It is so hard to believe my last visit to this blog was in October. I don't know if anyone even passes by anymore. I am back. I am back from a journey. I have been on many journeys but this one was one of the more difficult. It was so different than the spiritual, emotional journeys I have walked before. This one was internal - the external me looked the same, at least to the casual passerby, this journey took place solely in my mind and heart. It was a journey of anger. I know that is hard to swallow and may not make sense - it didn't to me either. But, it is nonetheless true. I now see in the hindsight vision of 20x20 that anger had not entered the chapter of loss over the last five years and just when I thought the chapter was over, the page was turned, and a new chapter was finding a pen and paper - anger happened. How can we deal with anger as believers? How can we honor and praise the Lord when anger is the emotion on the front page of our hearts and mind? Why anger? I certainly don't have all the answers and don't feel, for anyone who does cross the path of these words, all the ugly details need to be aired but I do know the Lord cares. Yes, He is patient, merciful and loving but I know first hand that HE cares when we are angry! Yes even when the calender for anger to enter doesn't match the date of our loss or disappointment - He cares. He cares so much HE will write it into your Sunday School lesson, He will burden believers to pray for you and they will over and over say they don't know why you were just on their hearts, He will send His Word to you even when your anger keeps you from looking, He will love you and move heaven and earth to show you He cares. In the end after all the ugly details have passed, all the tears have dried up, all the unexplainables have fled you will be back and know He cares. He cares and will walk you back to Him. His love His truth His compassion His mercy His patience His trust His faith and His hope... It has been a long time but I am back.
"...humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you." James 1:21b
Dear Lord,
Thank you for caring for me. I love you!
~Mika
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2 comments:
Dear Mika,
This comparison helps me understand our anger a little better. When a two year old gets exhausted and frustrated from just being a two year old she often gets angry. She lashes out, screams, kicks. If you try to pick her up and comfort her she'll lash out at you. She'll kick you and beat on you and maybe even bite you.
But you don't toss her away or lock her in her room. No, you are big enough and strong enough to hold her close in spite of her blind anger. You can take the anger and you do because your love and pity for her is so much bigger than her anger.
God can take it, too, Sweet Mika. And He does. He is big enough and love enough to hold us close and let us be angry, frustrated, and exhausted just because we are frail flesh.
Jean
Thanks for returning, and for sharing what's hard to hear/deal with. I love you!
-Shadow
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